If there's any justice in the world, the members of the "Garden State" PR team will receive a generous raise as a reward for their excellent work in promoting this newly released film. After these fine professionals have had ample time to enjoy the fruits of a job well done, I pray that God sees fit to curse them with a rollicking case of hemorrhoids - preferably of the untreatable variety, if such a malady exists.

What earns the bastards my grudging respect, and acute disdain, you ask? Simply, they got the better of me. Cleverly preying on the habits and tastes of "elitists" (to use a favorite phrase of conservative acquaintances), or at least this "elitist", the "Garden State" media flaks managed to secure, in the run up to the film's opening, both an extended spread in a recent Sunday edition of the Times, as well as a cast interview segment on The Charlie Rose Show. The publicity was decidedly positive and in the portion of the Charlie Rose episode that I saw, "Garden State's" writer/director/star, Zach Braff, with a straight face, portrayed the film as a realistic, poignant meditation on the so-called "quarter life crisis.' I was intrigued, and a couple of days ago, plunked down $10.25 to watch "Garden State."

For that sum, I was treated to nearly two hours worth of clichés and overwrought cheesiness. This slight film about a depressed, heavily medicated twenty-something struggling actor (Braff) from a troubled family who returns to New Jersey for his mother's funeral and finds both love and direction in a matter of days boasts nary an interesting shot or idea, and thirty seconds after I left the theater, it had floated out of my mind completely. But maybe there's something wrong with me because the young lady who sat next to me in the theater, and whose hyena-like giggling continued unabated throughout the movie until she was overcome by a spate of sniffling and tears in the film's final five minutes, seemed to have a good time.

Perhaps I posture a bit. In reality, "Garden State" is hardly offensive enough to deserve one's ire. It, like scores of other members of the toothless romantic comedy genre, is so bland and formulaic as to engender contempt for the system that produced it rather than the film itself; it's tough to hate something mushy and impotent. I would even say that Braff, best known for his starring role on the TV series "Scrubs," exhibits something of a knack for mindless fare. I fully expect that he'll quickly ascend the Hollywood ladder and, before long, will be directing Tom Hanks or Julia Roberts in something inane. Enjoying my newfound charitability, I'll add that "Garden State," Braff's directorial debut, looks good in terms of production quality, and he has also managed to enlist a solid supporting cast, led by Natalie Portman and Peter Sarsgaard. The latter is particularly appealing as a kind-hearted stoner devoid of ambition.

Braff's inexperience even helps us to forgive some of "Garden State's" major flaws: cookie cutter characters; a nasty habit of repeatedly transitioning between scenes by fading to black and cueing up schmaltzy music; the awful line "When I'm with you I feel so safe…like I'm home"; and, perhaps most egregious, a guffaw inducing scene near the film's conclusion where Braff's character climbs atop a piece of heavy machinery, lifts his face toward the heavens, and with arms outstretched and rain beating down on him, unleashes a cathartic scream. I saw shades of Leo DiCaprio…..

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Two days after writing these preceding lines, the indignation at being duped is fading and I'll simply sign off with a public service announcement meant to counteract the fraudulent buzz around "Garden State." It goes like this: Don't Believe the Hype.

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Editor's note: If you take the review above and replace the names, the parts about inexperience, some comments on the plot, the fading to black bit, the audience response bit and the general notion of article, then you have a perfect review for 'Jersey Girl' which I watched on the plane ride back from LA. Before seeing the movie, I even read Kevin Smith's response on his website to the bad press caused by the poison of Bennifer. I truly think this bomb had nothing to do with Ben and Jen's relationship. The movie was simply a poorly scripted excuse for a movie... and I even love Kevin Smith! I also understand what Kevin means when he says he was trying something new. I respect that but it did not work as a film. Sorry Kev. Everyone, do believe the hype on this one.

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